Ok to start I should say that financially we’re ok. By no means rich, but definetly not poor. Middle class, maybe the lower tier of upper middle class.
So I’m 17, and all along since I when I was younger, I would hear stories of my friends going to different states, or countries, or even just camping out. I have lived in California and Washington, and the only place I have gone on vacation was to Vegas for two or three days with my dad (in retrospect a horrible idea. I got sick and it wasn;t very fun. What idiot dad has a 9 year old choose a vacation destination, and then later act like it was the best thing ever?). Or how their parents would have a really cool skill or interest, like skiing or running, soccer, scuba diving, etc, and my friends/their parents could bond over that.
My parents and I have not gone on any vacations together, let alone a camping trip, and my parents don’t have any interests….at all. Basically all they care about is the life/day to day crap and our dog. So I’ve been able to deal with this, but now it’s break and pretty much all of my friends are going on some cool vacation….and I’m not. I asked my dad once why we never went ANYWHERE and he said "I’ve already done that", and then I asked him why we’ve never been on a roadtrip or camping or anything, and he answered "I went camping once before"….that was for a cubscout trip that we went one of three days for. He never answered the roadtrip.
And then I continued to look at my friends. Maybe this is self defending, but I am very intelligent, tons of people come to me for help/school work and for intellectual conversation, but I have a much lower GPA than all of them. And then I looked and their relationship with their parents…..all of their parents had some kind of bonding activity with them, or were a big part of their lives, and then me……I have nothing. Even kids who I know are lower income than me had a better relationship with their parents. Everyone who excels at something or is smarter, seems to have been helped by their parents in some way. And that makes me envious and angry at the same time, because my parents have NEVER tried to do anything of the sort.
My mom is slightly better than my dad. She used to drive us to amusment parks and the such. But that wasn’t exactly mentally stimulating, and it hasn’t helped to sculpt me into anything worth while. My dad does no housework, doesn’t drive us, all he does is walk our dog twice a day. He doesn’t cook or clean or anything.
So here I am now, admittedly in teenage angst, but I think I am justified. My parents have never made it a goal to mentally stimulate or nurture, or physically nurture me. It honestly seems to me as if they thought parenting just meant keeping a kid alive….honestly, they’ve raised our damn dogs better than me, they often drive it with them because it "likes to go on rides", or "walk it because he’s bored", and I can’t even fathom how much money they’ve spend on medical stuff for them….where as for me it’s been basic shots and stuff, and one issue where I needed three stitches.
So basically here I am, a rather unfullfilled 17 year old with only so much to offer. I have not traveled outside the country, or outside the west coast. My family has never taken a single vacation together, my mom/sister went on one to Italy together, and my dad/I went to vegas. We are far from poor, and I know the issue has not been money, because we’ve had enough money to buy new appliances, get a yard which goes unused for my dog, medical bills for said dog, etc.
And then my parents have really not cared about my grades, or outside school life. Basically I have parents who help me sustain life, but take absolutely no interest in generating bonds or a relationship.
Oh yes, also recently I was really depressed about this. My mom wanted to go get something, and I just said no/that she could go. So then she said "it has to be done" (referring to the task), punch me on the left side of my face, and called me a loser/said I had to friends…….and she was yelling a fair amount and then said our dog didn’t like to hear yelling.
And my dad is pretty volatile too. Once when I asked if I could go on some trip he said he’d never spend that much/it was stupid, then I said he spent that much on my sister’s trip and he said an explitive to me. Then my mom said something, he got up as if he was about to hit her (later he said he was just going to get in her face), I defended her my throwing my foot in front of me, he then jumped on top of me and tried to smother me or something. After he said he’d "hit me when she wasn’t around". And he has yelled alot too, and hit my sister a few times (pushing and the such, nothing horrible, but nonetheless).
Ok, this also seems to be some confusion so I’ll clear this up. I wouldn’t care if my parents took me to Europe, or took me to some nearby national park, the point is they blatantly refuse to do anything to try to bring us together, because we are pretty damn disfunctional.
I submitted a poem before for a scholarship, and my mom accused me of plagerizing it. I of course didn’t, and when I got the scholarship she asked what it was for, and she still thought I stole it.
My dad has always refused to do anything with us, whether it’s going to disneyland when I was young, or whatever, it’s nothing new. And when I’ve asked him to go to a football game or a college game, he’s said no. And he likes football/sports.
And I’ve asked them to try all kinds of new things, all have been met with "I;m too busy", or just straight no….
I understand your angst and your anger, growing up, the only place we went to was Puerto Rico and since we were raised in the states and didn’t know spanish that well, it was the same old boring vacations for us. It wasn’t until I turned 21, that I realized that I had a job and can do those things for myself without my parents. I made friends with 2 other girls and the summer of age 24, I brought my first car….we went everywhere in that car. It was a 5 yr lease with no more then 100k miles allowed, we put in 90k in the first year alone driving up and down the east coast, we had so much fun. The thing with parents is that after a certain age, traveling becomes a chore. They become settled and leaving their home doesn’t appealed to them anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that, what you need to do is find a part time job and a few good friends (with the same interest) and go on those vacations yourself. Look, in another year, you will be of legal age, they are no longer even obligated to put you through college, so get better grades in school, find an away from home college, find another part time job there or save up for a car…from here on out, its pretty much up to you to see the world. I still travel alot and my cousins and I take the kids everywhere with us, but its expensive traveling with kids who don’t pay half fare or sit on your lap…but we sacrifice, even taking the kids friends with us at times (if its a roadtrip) and that’s what you have to do. Depend on yourself to give yourself the things you need.
Sorry to hear about. Unfortunately most people normally complain about their lives when growing up. But, upon hitting the road to glory you realize how fond these angst memories will be when life gets through with you. Have you ever asked your parents how they felt when growing up? You never know. You may have more in common then what you think. You can take care of yourself. It may be more stimulating for yourself to man up and stop blaming them.
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its not necessary that every one have same sets of interest. you n yr dad must have opposite sets of interest so may b u both r not comfortable with each other. so stop calling him an idiot besides just travelling is not every thing in life. yup he doesn’t take care for u or may b yr grades but then he thinks that u r quite smart yr self in this. besides that y not do some thing n achieving life n take him for a holiday. don’t be dependent on him. come on think hard moreover y u expect every thing from them…u r 17 think what u really have done for them.
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If you were a little girl I might understand but as a almost adult talking this way it sounds like you have been spoiled
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I understand your angst and your anger, growing up, the only place we went to was Puerto Rico and since we were raised in the states and didn’t know spanish that well, it was the same old boring vacations for us. It wasn’t until I turned 21, that I realized that I had a job and can do those things for myself without my parents. I made friends with 2 other girls and the summer of age 24, I brought my first car….we went everywhere in that car. It was a 5 yr lease with no more then 100k miles allowed, we put in 90k in the first year alone driving up and down the east coast, we had so much fun. The thing with parents is that after a certain age, traveling becomes a chore. They become settled and leaving their home doesn’t appealed to them anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that, what you need to do is find a part time job and a few good friends (with the same interest) and go on those vacations yourself. Look, in another year, you will be of legal age, they are no longer even obligated to put you through college, so get better grades in school, find an away from home college, find another part time job there or save up for a car…from here on out, its pretty much up to you to see the world. I still travel alot and my cousins and I take the kids everywhere with us, but its expensive traveling with kids who don’t pay half fare or sit on your lap…but we sacrifice, even taking the kids friends with us at times (if its a roadtrip) and that’s what you have to do. Depend on yourself to give yourself the things you need.
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I am very sorry that you feel that way.Parenting is the hardest thing ever.As a parent sometimes i am very confused myself.Not everyone knows what to do,how to do or when to do things when it comes to our kids.About your vacations and trips,it sounds like your parents are very careful about spending money.About the rest ,the way you feel …………have you tried to talk to them.It seems like you guys are disconnected,cold and careless towards each other and it only bothers you.You have to talk to them,let them know how you feel.I am sure they love you.It’s not you.I know this from my experience with my kids and my husband.They are younger 7 and 5.My husband doesn’t spend a lot of time with them.He thinks kids are suppose to do their own thing in their room.He’ll play with them once in a blue moon.We do go out and vacations and stuff.But my kids get distant from him.I know he loves them very very much,it’s just the way he was raised and he is doing the same to our kids.Try planning things with them,try talking and doing things with your dad.Ask him to go to fishing or camping with you.Slowly get him to do things with you,see how it goes.If not just learn from their mistakes,think of it as a life lesson.
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I’m 54 years old. Parents from my generation were much like you describe yours - their duty was to keep a kid alive, period. There wasn’t much nurturing or bonding going on. They loved us, but they weren’t inclined to show it much.
In more recent generations, many (not all) parents figured out that it was important to bond with their children, to nurture and encourage them, to give them lots of opportunities to cultivate their strengths and explore the world.
If your parents were of the first type (and it sounds like they are), you pretty much aren’t going to change them at this point. I know you have a lot of resentment toward them (and rightly so) but try to accept them and love them for who they are, even with their faults. I’m sure they love you, even though they’re not terribly engaged in your life.
Meanwhile, you’re 17… nearly an adult, and will soon be out on your own. The good thing about that is, there’s a whole big world out there and a lot of good, bad, and interesting people in it. It’s your time to discover yourself and the world around you! This can be your personal adventure to learn about yourself, with questions like "Who am I? What do I want to be / do / have? What am I good / bad at? What’s important to me?"
Read books, watch uplifting movies, try kayaking, skydiving, music lessons, team sports, travel, invest in the stock market… you get the idea. Whatever "speaks" to you… and see where that takes you. You don’t actually need to do ALL those things, just do something. And keep trying things (positive things, not drugs, cigs and alcohol… those roads go nowhere) until you find your path. If you are headed for college, that’s great! If not, that’s okay too. You won’t find the answers overnight, but you will eventually.
Another thought: Sometimes we have to "make" our own families - and by that I mean re-defining "family" as whatever we want. My "family" consists of some really good friends that I love and can trust.
You may be a late bloomer in some ways because of lack of parental involvement, but it can be a fun journey, and sometimes hard too, but it’ll be YOUR journey and you’ll value it that much more because you did it yourself.
Best of luck to you.
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